Absalom
commanded his servants, saying, "See now, when Amnon's heart is merry with
wine, and when I say to you, 'Strike Amnon,' then put him to death. Do not
fear; have not I myself commanded you? Be courageous and be valiant." The
servants of Absalom did to Amnon just as Absalom had commanded. Then all the
king's sons arose and each mounted his mule and fled. 2 Samuel 13:28-29
(II Samuel 13:28-29)
Absalom, who has lost trust in
and respect for his father, takes the issue into his own hands and kills his
brother Amnon. Again David is
grieved by his family and Absalom must go into exile for three years; but
nothing else is done. Absalom was
continually reminded of Tamar’s pain for she lived in his household. That so impacted him that he even named
his only daughter ‘Tamar.’ He had
never learned from his father how to correctly handle pain and hurt, though. A
scapegoat is found to blame for family problems in many dysfunctional families.
Absalom was clearly the scapegoat
in David’s family. He acted out
the pain everyone else felt. He
didn’t go along with the ‘rules’ of keeping everything quiet and stuffed
within, of blaming one’s self and avoiding the real issues. Thus, to those in the family HE was the
real problem. If he’d have kept
quiet all would have been fine!
Absalom just couldn’t keep his emotions locked in. He created crisis after crisis. He murdered Amnon, set Joab’s fields on
fire and started a national civil war.
Dysfunctional family members hope that the passage of time will heal
the problems. After Tamar was
raped, no one did anything. Even
Absalom waited two years before killing Amnon, then waited five years to see
what his father David really thought of him. Dysfunctional families ignore hurts and emotional pain,
hoping that time will heal the soul as it does the body. Instead of fading, the hurts go deeper
and continue to grow.
Finally, David allowed Absalom to
return from exile and live in Jerusalem. Absalom had to really force the issue to finally, after being
back for two years, get to see his father David (II Samuel 14:30-32). It’s important for a
child, especially a son, to know where he stands with his father. David
kissed Absalom but it was very superficial and no change or reconciliation took
place, despite Absalom really wanting and needing this. This seems to have been
the last straw for Absalom. He set
out to destroy his father.
David’s family is not the only
family that has had these problems.
They are common today; even in churchgoing, religious, families. In fact, being a good Christian family doesn’t guarantee immunity from
dysfunction. The signs in
David’s family are not uncommon to all dysfunctional families:
·
trouble handling emotions
·
denying feelings
·
inability to express motions correctly
·
blaming others
·
overreacting to small things, etc.
These things are usually passed
on from generation to generation.
Dysfunctional families are
nothing new. We can change ours so
we don’t pass these things down to our children. Do you recognize any of these signs in your family or family
of origin? Who in David’s family do you most identify with? What can you do right now to start
moving into healthy relationships?
Each journey starts with one step. Take your first one now.
Scripture to Claim:
A Psalm of David, when he fled from Absalom his
son. O LORD, how my adversaries
have increased! Many are rising up against me. Many are saying of my soul,
"There is no deliverance for him in God." Selah. But You, O LORD, are
a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. Psalms 3:1-3
