(Van Houser)
For
we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One
who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us
draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy
and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16)
Some years
ago I was working with a community in New Jersey from which two young people
had made the horrible decision to hide a pregnancy out of fear of being
shamed. The result was the tragic death
of a baby and the marring of not only a young man and young woman’s lives but
the dreams and futures of their families and friends. I was asked to interview students and
families and to observe the culture of this affluent community where something
like this should never have happened.
I’ll never
forget those interviews. The children of
the community were bright and gifted.
There was nothing they did not have at their disposal to assist them to
succeed. Money was no object although it
was a symbol of success. Many parents
both worked and were away from their children throughout the week leaving them
a credit card to cover their basic needs and desires. Social opportunities and highly accredited
schools were status symbols for the community as well.
But in all
of the interviews there was an underlying problem. I saw it in almost every child I spoke
with. Visiting with the parents, it was
evident in their lives as well. On the
evening of a community meeting to discuss the issues the auditorium was
packed.
As I
discussed the strengths of their community, you could see the pride on the
faces of the parents. And then I shared
what I had seen; not only in their children but in them. It was a disproportionate fear of
failure. While everyone has some sense
of fear of failing, this was almost phobic.
What was the cause of the death of the baby? Fear of being shamed; fear of being seen as
failures. It was so great they would
rather murder than be found out.
I braced
myself and shared that the greatest problem in their community was that the
children did not know how to fail nor did it seem that the parents were able to
handle failure either. I’ll never forget
the response as I taught about the great lessons we can only learn from
failure; lessons about ourselves,
others, recovery, God and life. As I
talked, I began to hear weeping across the auditorium. It was evident to me that the reality of
their weakness had struck home.
There are
some lessons we must teach our children for them to survive as well as succeed
and one of the most important is how to fail.
We model this lesson with our own reactions and responses to our
failures. Getting defensive, lying,
getting angry, quitting or blaming are not good models. How we handle the failures of our children is
also important. Labeling, name-calling,
angry outbursts, control are all damaging when the needs are acceptance
understanding and ways to avoid it happening again.
The
passage from Hebrews is so important to me.
For it states clearly that Jesus is not among those who start their
condemnation of my failure with, “How could you do such a thing!” He knows my weakness and wants to help. Shouldn’t we do the same for each other?
